Why apologies are important

But then I remembered the truism that impact matters more than intent, and so I paused, apologized, and asked what I could do differently. Can you tell me what would help you feel more supported? What can I say or do next time that would feel more supportive [and not condescending]? My apology and offer to commit to a more supportive approach opened up the conversation to a place where M could better see my intention and where I could also better understand how differences in tones may impact different people.

I switched to a tone which he experienced as more supportive in that moment and the conversation continued from there. M later reached out to apologize for the impact of his words, and to thank me for my support. It was a learning experience for us both in the nuances of intention and impact.

Is it a strongly held value or belief? What do we lose when we allow ourselves to prioritize reducing harm experienced by others over the needs of our own sense of self? What happens when we choose the path of sincere apology? I was caught up in the emotion of the moment, and I used poor judgement; I should have paused, and thought of something to say to deescalate the situation. Find her on Facebook. This site is not intended to provide and does not constitute medical, legal, or other professional advice.

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Click to opt-out of Google Analytics tracking. Though I run this site, it is not mine. It's ours. It's not about me. It's about us. Your stories and your wisdom are just as meaningful as mine. Click here to read more. Instead, I let my pride take priority over my relationships with the people around me. Now is the time to make a change. The third and fourth elements, according to Cerulo, are to not provide context as a way of explaining away your behavior, and to identify victims up front so that you can express remorse and make restitution when possible.

Ben Ho, an associate professor of economics at Vasser College, adds that people often want to see an apology that costs something. Try to recall how you felt the last time you saw somebody apologizing for getting caught rather than for what they did. It neither satisfies the offended party nor paves the way for personal growth on the part of the person who did something wrong. On the other hand, a sufficient apology can achieve great things.

It can heal the harmed, change how we view somebody who did us wrong, create opportunities for forgiveness and growth, save relationships, and help us do better in the future.

While the most effective apologies often incur a cost to our status or require us to be better in the future, these can often be minor compared to the benefits of a proper apology. So, go ahead, apologize a little more often for the things worth apologizing for- but be sure you mean it. Have you accidentally offended someone? How can so small a thing have garnered such a reaction?

But they are a different person, with different experiences. We may have felt that our offense would have just barely bumped them, but they experience it as having been knocked clear off their feet. People who are suspicious of being manipulated will have trouble with this, but in your deep love relationships it requires trust of the injured person. Because of your social location and experiences of past hurts, you too are more vulnerable to some kinds of hurts than others.

To some, when a person is late, it is terribly offensive and a personal slight. Others can easily see in context that there are many things that may have prevented them from being on time. The one who is offended may have had an important figure become absent when they ought to have been there for them. In the culture of their home, it may have been stressed that all must be present and prepared at the table before any can eat, and so one being even a minute late would communicate lower importance of the others.

A small thing in your book may be incredibly painful in theirs. We do not get to qualify the internal worlds of our loved ones.

However big of a deal it is to them, that is its size. I forgot or made a mistake. Just let it go. Why do you have to rub my nose in it? What do you want from me? Defensiveness is a mask for shame. Shame assumes that to have harmed someone you must have done so maliciously. It also assumes that if you had hurt someone, it would make you a bad person.

Shame is condemning, immobilizing. Defensiveness and Shame work together to keep you from moving on to a helpful and active place of guilt and remorse. To get out of it you have to know you are not your offending actions. The key here is acknowledging that the things you do, I do, we all do, can hurt others, and often do. You dodge the edge of a stoop and promptly bump into somebody. This is a mistake. It does not make you evil. Would you ignore that and walk on without a word?